The Daniel Daniel Transcripts: A Trilogy of Creepy Hilarity – Part 2

I hope that you all have been on the edge of your seats waiting for the second installment of my voicemail saga.  In this episode we find out how he got to my voicemail by mistake to begin with, and that not only had he applied for a job in my office previously – but he will continue to seek employment with us.
After I had listened to the original voicemail a few times and forwarded it to a few people in the office, I made my way over to my friend’s desk to get his take on what he had heard.  I expected a good reaction from him, but instead I got something even better.  Another voicemail.
My friend was doing the hiring in my office at the time and he had me listen to a voicemail from a prospective new hire.  Here is that voicemail typed out exactly as it was spoken (with a few names changed to protect the innocent and a few notes to help everything make sense):

Episode II……

“Yeah, I, ah, met you a few years ago, ah, about two years ago actually, I, it seems longer but um, here in your (M*****) office. I met someone, I, maybe I met you at the job fair at Ramapo College, ah, in Mahwah, two years ago, ah, it was april or may, two years ago, now it’s July, well we’re well into July. And something happened that I had gone to your superior, ah, several months later, ah, followed up, and I was very upset, because you know, when you come for a job interview I’m sure that you’re the person I remember now that I remember, cause I pushed in the name first name (Colorsinthevoid)

 
– He then proceeded to spell out the name.

and I didn’t know that your’s was (Kolorsinthevoid)

– He then spelled out that name.

I tried that, calling on Saturday.

At this point we realized that he had called earlier in the day and used the spell by name directory on our phone system.  He typed in my name instead of the person who he was trying to get.  When he got my voicemail, instead of hanging up the phone – he left me the message that I have posted in Part 1 of this Creepy Trilogy.
He continued.

Um, I haven’t called in quite some time, and I didn’t know if you were still here, but you, ah, ya know,  took my application for a position and there seemed to be some, ah, I don’t like the word friction you seemed to create some      mythical, ah, ah, ah, for lack of a better word, problem that didn’t exist, I’m, aye, you had said that I didn’t want to send a resume, not true at all. I sometimes run low on them, but in a worst case situation I could always photocopy them or what have you, ah, so that’s never a problem. I never refused. I would NEVER, just not, not send it, ah, that’s true, I might have been somewhat reluctant because I had filled out an employment application of the company, and I didn’t know whether, ya know, it was, ah, all that necessary , but to say that, ya know, that I’m this and I’m that and making a whole issue over minor things creating, ya know, making mountains out of mole hills, isn’t fair and right, and I went over your head and I want to just see now, um, what the situation is, I mean, ya know, I don’t know what kind of a job it was, and there was training up in Syracuse as I recall, ah, New York, and and um, ah,  ya know, I don’t know what the position was , I remember it was an hourly rate of pay, but I mean my, my  concern is um, is that, ya know just ah, seem to be, ya know making judgements about someone you don’t really know. I saw you once there and once here in your office in, ah, Woodcliff Lake, in this building here and that was it, and you were prejudging me, and I don’t think that’s fair at all, I REALLY, REALLY don’t. I think it’s it’s terrible of you to do that, and, ya know, you, I thought that you were nice fellow and all that and, ah, and and  whatever but, ya know, when you try to create a situation over a nothing, your making something out of nothing, I’m still, I’m not gonna’ give up, I’m gonna come back here I’m gonna reapply and I’m going, and and. Well I’ll call back on Monday, I don’t have any more time, my name is Dan and, ah, I eee ah you’ll hear from me, I don’t  know what time Monday but it will be later on in the day, got to go out. Okay, thanks a lot bye-bye for now. That’s the end of the recording.

You would think that would have been a long enough message for our new friend – who waited until the very end to leave only his first name, and no return phone number.  If he wanted us to hire him he should have left his last name and a number to call him back on.  That would all change with a third voicemail that he would leave for my friend later in the day on Monday.  But that is for another day.
Okay, thanks a lot bye-bye for now.  That’s the end of today’s blog.

The Daniel Daniel Transcripts: A Trilogy of Creepy Hilarity – Part 1

Approximately 10 years ago I came into the office on a Monday morning and had a voicemail waiting for me on my phone.  It was the best, most disturbing, funniest voicemail I had ever heard.  I listened to it over and over again.  Laughing harder each time I heard it.  I assumed that it was one of my coworkers playing a joke on me.  In the days before Internet, one of our main sources of entertainment was our voicemail system.  We would leave nonsense voicemails for each other, forward blank voicemails, Meow like cats into the phone, just anything to pass the time and make each other laugh.

What you are about to read is that voicemail.  Transcribed verbatim.  Every single – “um” and “ah” are typed out exactly as it was spoken.  This is the first of three voicemails that were left by the same man.  A man who will forever live in infamy with anyone who ever heard the original message.    

Episode I……

 “You got a real sexy voice man, I mean, ah, not too may guys, ah, sound as sexy as you. You’re my type of guy. I love men boys and, ya know, ah, I love, ah, guys like you, and,  I really could get into it but I don’t know if I should. You sound like you would be a nice nudist, nice gay nudist. Ah, you sound really hot,  you really get me going honey.”

Funny?  Kind of.  Creepy?  Uh, yeah most definately.  I laughed, and everyone who listened to the message laughed.  The only problem was that I couldn’t figure out who actually left me the message.  It turned out the it was not left by any of my coworkers, or friends.  It was left by a man who was attempting to gain employment in my office.  A man who had interviewed in my office before.  A man who would call back – leave more rambling messages and help us piece together one of the most comical incidents in office history.

Together, we will relive the next two voicemails.  And like when the Simpsons ended Season 6 with “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” you are going to have to wait not one, but two more posts to finally get closure.  Until then, please remember that even though I have a real sexy voice, I would definaitely not make a nice gay nudist.

A very special thank you to my coworker “The Birdman” for taking the time to painstakingly type this out many years ago.

 

 

Counting Crows: November 16, 2004 – Roseland Ballroom – New York, NY

The best concert I ever saw?  Definitely not.  But it was certainly the most unexpected – and was a fun night from start to finish.  The lead singer Adam Duritz drank about 12 Coronas during the show.  It was loose and fun, but well played at the same time.   The ballroom felt like the entire audience was sitting on the stage with the band and we were all a bunch of old friends just hanging out. 

This was my first concert I attended after Phish’s Coventry debacle and it was the perfect night to get me back on the train.  Coventry was so hopeless, ugly and dirty – this night was good clean fun. 

The text below was written by me a few days after the Counting Crows show in 2004.

I saw Phish 68 times from 7-1-95 through Coventry  (8-14,15-2004) .  It was difficult walking away from the stage that last time.  Yes, the music was emotionally subpar and the mud made it hard to move, but the real reason it was difficult to walk away was what we really left behind on that field in Northern Vermont.  I saw Phish for the first time when I was 19.  When I left Coventry I was 29.  Almost 10 years of traveling to shows with my tour buddy – meeting new people and seeing new places.  It was more than just the music – IT was an experience.  That’s what I’m going to miss…
But anyway…  
So I got free tickets to the Counting Crows Show at Hammerstein Ballroom on Tuesday night.  As the band took the stage the lead singer Adam (Something) stepped up to the mic and said,
“This is going to be our last show.”
My heart sank.
Not because I cared if it was the Counting Crows last show – 3 months after Coventry, it finally hit me that Phish was never going to play together again.  Hundreds of memories flashed through my head within the few seconds it took him to continue,  
“Of 2004.” 
I didn’t think it was very funny.
I will miss posting Fakebeave’s Fakesetlists, finding out when Ticketmaster rereleased pavillion seats and reading reviews of shows I couldn’t make.  I will miss reviewing the shows that I went to, reading about people whose favorite song was my least favorite, handing out UNO cards at a show and not having people look at me like I’m crazy.  I will miss the moment when the lights went down to start a show when I just got to my seat.  I will miss dancing in the balcony at the Worcester Centrum, sitting on the concrete floor at the War Memorial in Rochester, feeling the building move in Madison Square Garden, the  thousands of balloons in the Fleet Center on New Year’s Eve.
I will miss walking past the roller coasters at Darien Lake and Coney Island, freezing my ass off in Providence during the Island Tour and the Oh Kee Pa -> You Enjoy Myself opener that blew me away.
I will miss the covers during the summer of 98.  Sabotage, Terrapin Station, Trenchtown Rock, Ramble On, Vernon Down the House and Sexual Healing. 
I will miss going to a show by myself in Albany and making new friends for a couple of hours, the hour long Runaway Jim in Worcester and Page singing Strange Design to bring us all back to reality.     
I will miss all the Crosseyed and Painless teases, Andy Gadiel’s Phish Page, glowstick wars, marshmallow wars and tortilla wars.
I will miss the Wipeout show I was at, and the Halloween shows that I wasn’t at.
I will miss buying things in the lot and the things they did to me during the shows.
I will miss going to shows in my home state of New Jersey and the band ALWAYS delivering for me.  Doing the Meatstick with Sofi, BB King and the kid at the end of that set who said “I didn’t think they would ever stop playing JAZZ.”  I will miss the heat in Oswego New York, the long drives to Limestone in Maine and Big Cypress in Florida , taking shortcuts to venues while everyone else sat in traffic.
I will miss all the lots in Philly and our own personal delivery guy the last time we were there.  I will miss having great seats in the pavillion, sitting behind the stage and sitting in the last row in an arena.
I will miss guessing the opener, calling the next song, being disappointed when Trey started Character Zero, listening to Bouncin before it was cool to hate it, still not knowing what they are saying in You Enjoy Myself, the disco funk of 2001 and After Midnight from Big Cypress.
I will miss the Post-Hiatus music and the feeling that they were back.  I will miss the flubs, forgotten lyrics, segues, SEGWAYS and the stop and start jams.
I will miss Mike driving through the lots in a golf cart, almost driving over Fishman as he stepped out of the tour bus, Page when he was on crutches and Trey counting off the beginning of Guyute.  I will miss the Waterwheel Booth, the custies, the wooks, the white hats, burnouts, techno kids and dogs.  I will miss the vendors and all their glass, hemp everything, Lot Shirts and hairy armpits on cute girls.
I will miss drinking an icy cold Fat Tire and Sunshine Wheat in Maine on a perfect summer day.
I will miss going to the movie theater, Jay-Z in Brooklyn, the SPAC Piper and the Clinic at the Aftershow.
I will miss the debacle that was Coventry – the cost of fake tickets on Ebay whan I had bought one at Face Value, the rain, the mud, the farm tractors, the mud, the ANNOUNCEMENT by Mike and already having camp set up since the night before.  I will miss watching thousands of tired people hike into the venue.  I will miss the way we all pulled together for one last party.
I will miss watching the sun rise at Big Cypress after they played from midnight to 6:30am  – it will never rise again.

Thanks for everything,
The Real Beave
 
In case you were wondering you CAN find anything on the Internet.  Below is video and audio from the entire show.  Listen at least to the first minute so you can hear my thoughts racing through my head as Adam Duritz begins the first of his many drunken rants from the night.  Thanks to my wife for inspiring this post.  Read her memories from this night here: WHATIWANTMYKIDSTOKNOW
 

September 2nd, 1995 – Dave Matthews Band – Hartford, CT

My first Dave Matthews Band show.  I’m not going to lie, the memories are hazy on this one.   I remember following behind the Black Saab in my 1983 Buick LeSabre from Quinnipiac to Hartford.  To be perfectly honest I have no idea who was with me in my car, or who else was in the back seat of the Black Saab.  Maybe someone else can help me remember.  17 years was a long time ago.

The most important thing about this show was that it was Black Saab and jerseygirL’s first date.   We took Exit 33 – Jennings Road – off of Route 91 to get to the venue.   5 years later to the date, they would get married in New Jersey.  Today, they live on Jennings Road in some far away part of Colorado.  Life and love can come full circle sometimes.

The one song that really stands out in my memory from that night was from the encore.  “Angel From Montgomery” is a song written and sung originally by John Prine.  He is a white man, but the song is written from a woman’s perspective.

I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child that’s grown old
If dreams were lightning thunder was desire
This old house would have burnt down a long time ago

It was a song rarely performed by the band and was one that none of us in our crew had ever heard before.  And just to confuse things even more, the song was sung by Boyd Tinsley – the band’s violinist.  Listening to a black man lament about the time:

When I was a young girl well, I had me a cowboy
He weren’t much to look at, just free rambling man
But that was a long time and no matter how I try
The years just flow by like a broken down dam.

On this night in Hartford, the jerseygirL found her cowboy.  As 20 year old college kids, who knew how true these lyrics would be almost half of a lifetime later.

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

If I could only convince them to move back to Jersey…

Dave Matthews Band
September 2, 1995
9/2/95
Meadows Music Theatre, Hartford, CT

The Best of What’s Around
Minarets
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One Sweet World
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Lie in Our Graves
Warehouse
Lover Lay Down
#41
Jimi Thing
Rhyme & Reason
#36 »
Ants Marching
———————————–
Angel from Montgomery
Tripping Billies