Approximately 10 years ago I came into the office on a Monday morning and had a voicemail waiting for me on my phone. It was the best, most disturbing, funniest voicemail I had ever heard. I listened to it over and over again. Laughing harder each time I heard it. I assumed that it was one of my coworkers playing a joke on me. In the days before Internet, one of our main sources of entertainment was our voicemail system. We would leave nonsense voicemails for each other, forward blank voicemails, Meow like cats into the phone, just anything to pass the time and make each other laugh.
What you are about to read is that voicemail. Transcribed verbatim. Every single – “um” and “ah” are typed out exactly as it was spoken. This is the first of three voicemails that were left by the same man. A man who will forever live in infamy with anyone who ever heard the original message.
“You got a real sexy voice man, I mean, ah, not too may guys, ah, sound as sexy as you. You’re my type of guy. I love men boys and, ya know, ah, I love, ah, guys like you, and, I really could get into it but I don’t know if I should. You sound like you would be a nice nudist, nice gay nudist. Ah, you sound really hot, you really get me going honey.”
Funny? Kind of. Creepy? Uh, yeah most definately. I laughed, and everyone who listened to the message laughed. The only problem was that I couldn’t figure out who actually left me the message. It turned out the it was not left by any of my coworkers, or friends. It was left by a man who was attempting to gain employment in my office. A man who had interviewed in my office before. A man who would call back – leave more rambling messages and help us piece together one of the most comical incidents in office history.
Together, we will relive the next two voicemails. And like when the Simpsons ended Season 6 with “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” you are going to have to wait not one, but two more posts to finally get closure. Until then, please remember that even though I have a real sexy voice, I would definaitely not make a nice gay nudist.
A very special thank you to my coworker “The Birdman” for taking the time to painstakingly type this out many years ago.