The Daniel Daniel Transcripts: A Trilogy of Creepy Hilarity – Part 1

Approximately 10 years ago I came into the office on a Monday morning and had a voicemail waiting for me on my phone.  It was the best, most disturbing, funniest voicemail I had ever heard.  I listened to it over and over again.  Laughing harder each time I heard it.  I assumed that it was one of my coworkers playing a joke on me.  In the days before Internet, one of our main sources of entertainment was our voicemail system.  We would leave nonsense voicemails for each other, forward blank voicemails, Meow like cats into the phone, just anything to pass the time and make each other laugh.

What you are about to read is that voicemail.  Transcribed verbatim.  Every single – “um” and “ah” are typed out exactly as it was spoken.  This is the first of three voicemails that were left by the same man.  A man who will forever live in infamy with anyone who ever heard the original message.    

Episode I……

 “You got a real sexy voice man, I mean, ah, not too may guys, ah, sound as sexy as you. You’re my type of guy. I love men boys and, ya know, ah, I love, ah, guys like you, and,  I really could get into it but I don’t know if I should. You sound like you would be a nice nudist, nice gay nudist. Ah, you sound really hot,  you really get me going honey.”

Funny?  Kind of.  Creepy?  Uh, yeah most definately.  I laughed, and everyone who listened to the message laughed.  The only problem was that I couldn’t figure out who actually left me the message.  It turned out the it was not left by any of my coworkers, or friends.  It was left by a man who was attempting to gain employment in my office.  A man who had interviewed in my office before.  A man who would call back – leave more rambling messages and help us piece together one of the most comical incidents in office history.

Together, we will relive the next two voicemails.  And like when the Simpsons ended Season 6 with “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” you are going to have to wait not one, but two more posts to finally get closure.  Until then, please remember that even though I have a real sexy voice, I would definaitely not make a nice gay nudist.

A very special thank you to my coworker “The Birdman” for taking the time to painstakingly type this out many years ago.

 

 

My Fascination with Stats

It is kind of ironic that I work with numbers all day.  I’m not good at math.  I never have been.  But that has never stopped me from being borderline obsessed with stats.  

My obsession with stats started back when the New York Mets were good at baseball.  The 1986 Mets were the most fun team that an 11 year old kid could watch.  I remember reading each game’s box score in the Bergen Record newspaper the morning after each game.  Batting Averages, RBIs, Strike Outs  were all compiled neatly for me to pour over every morning.  It helped that the Mets were so good that they had players in almost every League Leader category, which meant more stats for me to check.  So, Dwight Gooden with your league leading 24-4 record, 1.53 ERA, 16 complete games, 276.2 innings pitched and 268 strikeouts – thanks for making me obsessed with stats.  

Thank you Tecmo Super Bowl on NES.  The greatest football videogame ever made.  It was the first one to have real players names from real NFL teams.  Except for QB Eagles – screw you Randall Cunningham.  Freshman year at College, our entire floor played an entire season together.  We had at least 10 guys who each picked a team name out of a hat. (the Giants and 49ers were excluded because they were too good.)  After each week, the stats were handwritten and posted out in the hallway so everyone could see where they stood.  In the words of one of my floor-mates that year – “Awww stats.”

Thank you NHL 94 and 95 on Sega Genesis.  There was nothing better than being able to play an entire 82 game NHL schedule and have all of your goals and assists kept track of for you.  Especially since having a 100 goal scorer was not unheard of.

Thank you Microleague Baseball for the Apple IIGS in my parent’s basement circa 1986-1987.  This game wasn’t much on actual gameplay, but rather it was all about stats.  You didn’t even have to use a controller.  All you did was press One for a fastball, and Zero to swing the bat.  The computer simulated every play.  The original game contained about 25 old-time great teams including the 1927 Yankees and 1969 Mets.  It had actual player names and their actual stats from the season.  The best part about Microleague Baseball was that you could print out the box score at the end of each game.  With the addition of a “General Managers Disk,” you could create your own teams.  I remember spending hours entering entire teams stats onto that old computer.

That’s why I am such a geek when it comes to Phish.  Why do I need to know that I have seen Chalk Dust Torture the most times (36) of any song played?  Or that I have seen it at 37% of the shows that I have attended?  The answer is that I don’t need to know that, but I want to. 

Why do I need to know that it was 66 shows between seeing the Beatles “A Day in the Life” on 10/17/96 in Penn State until 6/05/2009 at Jones Beach? 

Why not?

Padding The Stats: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Go to a Phish Show

I’ll admit it.  I love stats.  One of my favorite things about this whole blog thing is that I get to see how many people visit my page each day.  Not only that, but it shows me where most of the clicks come from.  After only a few short weeks of life, my page is now searchable on the Interwebs.  I received my first Search Engine hit the other day.  Someone in Singapore entered in his Yahoo! search bar – “I feel feeling.”  I have no idea what the hell they could have been searching for, but it directed them to my first ever post.   

I started thinking about a way to get the most readers with the least amount of work.  That’s kind of how I roll – I like to work smarter, not harder.  And honestly, I’m not very smart.  But today I am a genius.  To steal a line from my other blog inspiration, “that’s right kids”  JUSTIN BIEBER AND SELENA GOMEZ went to a Phish concert last week in Long Beach, California.  And he like, totally Tweeted about it on the Twitter.

BIEBER TWEETS

I can’t wait to see how many hits those two names get me in the next couple of days and weeks.  A bunch of Tweens are going to be searching for more info on their favorite heartthrob, but instead they will get directed here to my blog.  Ha – the joke is on you 13 year old girl from the midwest!  No Justin Bieber content here. 

Alright, maybe just one picture from backstage.

 

OMG – Biebs (That should get me at least 6 clicks from Google) and Selena!!  Also known as Jelena (worst Hollywood couple nickname ever).  According to Hollywood insiders – and a bunch of dirty hippies at the Phish show, they were throwing glowticks during the second set.  Glowsticks wars have been a normal scene at Phish shows for the past 15 years.  When Justin Bieber was only 3 years old, I was at the Great Went listening to Phish play “Harry Hood” in complete darkness while thousands of glowsticks were launched into the air for the first time.  A Glowstick War was born!  It was spontaneous, it was beautiful, it was painful at times – but it was a moment I will never forget.

Thank you Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez for helping me remember my first Phish glowstick war – and more importantly, for padding my stats.

And if you want to see Justin Bieber’s arm throwing glowsticks, watch this Youtube video: