The Daniel Daniel Transcripts: A Trilogy of Creepy Hilarity – Part 1

Approximately 10 years ago I came into the office on a Monday morning and had a voicemail waiting for me on my phone.  It was the best, most disturbing, funniest voicemail I had ever heard.  I listened to it over and over again.  Laughing harder each time I heard it.  I assumed that it was one of my coworkers playing a joke on me.  In the days before Internet, one of our main sources of entertainment was our voicemail system.  We would leave nonsense voicemails for each other, forward blank voicemails, Meow like cats into the phone, just anything to pass the time and make each other laugh.

What you are about to read is that voicemail.  Transcribed verbatim.  Every single – “um” and “ah” are typed out exactly as it was spoken.  This is the first of three voicemails that were left by the same man.  A man who will forever live in infamy with anyone who ever heard the original message.    

Episode I……

 “You got a real sexy voice man, I mean, ah, not too may guys, ah, sound as sexy as you. You’re my type of guy. I love men boys and, ya know, ah, I love, ah, guys like you, and,  I really could get into it but I don’t know if I should. You sound like you would be a nice nudist, nice gay nudist. Ah, you sound really hot,  you really get me going honey.”

Funny?  Kind of.  Creepy?  Uh, yeah most definately.  I laughed, and everyone who listened to the message laughed.  The only problem was that I couldn’t figure out who actually left me the message.  It turned out the it was not left by any of my coworkers, or friends.  It was left by a man who was attempting to gain employment in my office.  A man who had interviewed in my office before.  A man who would call back – leave more rambling messages and help us piece together one of the most comical incidents in office history.

Together, we will relive the next two voicemails.  And like when the Simpsons ended Season 6 with “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” you are going to have to wait not one, but two more posts to finally get closure.  Until then, please remember that even though I have a real sexy voice, I would definaitely not make a nice gay nudist.

A very special thank you to my coworker “The Birdman” for taking the time to painstakingly type this out many years ago.

 

 

Counting Crows: November 16, 2004 – Roseland Ballroom – New York, NY

The best concert I ever saw?  Definitely not.  But it was certainly the most unexpected – and was a fun night from start to finish.  The lead singer Adam Duritz drank about 12 Coronas during the show.  It was loose and fun, but well played at the same time.   The ballroom felt like the entire audience was sitting on the stage with the band and we were all a bunch of old friends just hanging out. 

This was my first concert I attended after Phish’s Coventry debacle and it was the perfect night to get me back on the train.  Coventry was so hopeless, ugly and dirty – this night was good clean fun. 

The text below was written by me a few days after the Counting Crows show in 2004.

I saw Phish 68 times from 7-1-95 through Coventry  (8-14,15-2004) .  It was difficult walking away from the stage that last time.  Yes, the music was emotionally subpar and the mud made it hard to move, but the real reason it was difficult to walk away was what we really left behind on that field in Northern Vermont.  I saw Phish for the first time when I was 19.  When I left Coventry I was 29.  Almost 10 years of traveling to shows with my tour buddy – meeting new people and seeing new places.  It was more than just the music – IT was an experience.  That’s what I’m going to miss…
But anyway…  
So I got free tickets to the Counting Crows Show at Hammerstein Ballroom on Tuesday night.  As the band took the stage the lead singer Adam (Something) stepped up to the mic and said,
“This is going to be our last show.”
My heart sank.
Not because I cared if it was the Counting Crows last show – 3 months after Coventry, it finally hit me that Phish was never going to play together again.  Hundreds of memories flashed through my head within the few seconds it took him to continue,  
“Of 2004.” 
I didn’t think it was very funny.
I will miss posting Fakebeave’s Fakesetlists, finding out when Ticketmaster rereleased pavillion seats and reading reviews of shows I couldn’t make.  I will miss reviewing the shows that I went to, reading about people whose favorite song was my least favorite, handing out UNO cards at a show and not having people look at me like I’m crazy.  I will miss the moment when the lights went down to start a show when I just got to my seat.  I will miss dancing in the balcony at the Worcester Centrum, sitting on the concrete floor at the War Memorial in Rochester, feeling the building move in Madison Square Garden, the  thousands of balloons in the Fleet Center on New Year’s Eve.
I will miss walking past the roller coasters at Darien Lake and Coney Island, freezing my ass off in Providence during the Island Tour and the Oh Kee Pa -> You Enjoy Myself opener that blew me away.
I will miss the covers during the summer of 98.  Sabotage, Terrapin Station, Trenchtown Rock, Ramble On, Vernon Down the House and Sexual Healing. 
I will miss going to a show by myself in Albany and making new friends for a couple of hours, the hour long Runaway Jim in Worcester and Page singing Strange Design to bring us all back to reality.     
I will miss all the Crosseyed and Painless teases, Andy Gadiel’s Phish Page, glowstick wars, marshmallow wars and tortilla wars.
I will miss the Wipeout show I was at, and the Halloween shows that I wasn’t at.
I will miss buying things in the lot and the things they did to me during the shows.
I will miss going to shows in my home state of New Jersey and the band ALWAYS delivering for me.  Doing the Meatstick with Sofi, BB King and the kid at the end of that set who said “I didn’t think they would ever stop playing JAZZ.”  I will miss the heat in Oswego New York, the long drives to Limestone in Maine and Big Cypress in Florida , taking shortcuts to venues while everyone else sat in traffic.
I will miss all the lots in Philly and our own personal delivery guy the last time we were there.  I will miss having great seats in the pavillion, sitting behind the stage and sitting in the last row in an arena.
I will miss guessing the opener, calling the next song, being disappointed when Trey started Character Zero, listening to Bouncin before it was cool to hate it, still not knowing what they are saying in You Enjoy Myself, the disco funk of 2001 and After Midnight from Big Cypress.
I will miss the Post-Hiatus music and the feeling that they were back.  I will miss the flubs, forgotten lyrics, segues, SEGWAYS and the stop and start jams.
I will miss Mike driving through the lots in a golf cart, almost driving over Fishman as he stepped out of the tour bus, Page when he was on crutches and Trey counting off the beginning of Guyute.  I will miss the Waterwheel Booth, the custies, the wooks, the white hats, burnouts, techno kids and dogs.  I will miss the vendors and all their glass, hemp everything, Lot Shirts and hairy armpits on cute girls.
I will miss drinking an icy cold Fat Tire and Sunshine Wheat in Maine on a perfect summer day.
I will miss going to the movie theater, Jay-Z in Brooklyn, the SPAC Piper and the Clinic at the Aftershow.
I will miss the debacle that was Coventry – the cost of fake tickets on Ebay whan I had bought one at Face Value, the rain, the mud, the farm tractors, the mud, the ANNOUNCEMENT by Mike and already having camp set up since the night before.  I will miss watching thousands of tired people hike into the venue.  I will miss the way we all pulled together for one last party.
I will miss watching the sun rise at Big Cypress after they played from midnight to 6:30am  – it will never rise again.

Thanks for everything,
The Real Beave
 
In case you were wondering you CAN find anything on the Internet.  Below is video and audio from the entire show.  Listen at least to the first minute so you can hear my thoughts racing through my head as Adam Duritz begins the first of his many drunken rants from the night.  Thanks to my wife for inspiring this post.  Read her memories from this night here: WHATIWANTMYKIDSTOKNOW
 

My Fascination with Stats

It is kind of ironic that I work with numbers all day.  I’m not good at math.  I never have been.  But that has never stopped me from being borderline obsessed with stats.  

My obsession with stats started back when the New York Mets were good at baseball.  The 1986 Mets were the most fun team that an 11 year old kid could watch.  I remember reading each game’s box score in the Bergen Record newspaper the morning after each game.  Batting Averages, RBIs, Strike Outs  were all compiled neatly for me to pour over every morning.  It helped that the Mets were so good that they had players in almost every League Leader category, which meant more stats for me to check.  So, Dwight Gooden with your league leading 24-4 record, 1.53 ERA, 16 complete games, 276.2 innings pitched and 268 strikeouts – thanks for making me obsessed with stats.  

Thank you Tecmo Super Bowl on NES.  The greatest football videogame ever made.  It was the first one to have real players names from real NFL teams.  Except for QB Eagles – screw you Randall Cunningham.  Freshman year at College, our entire floor played an entire season together.  We had at least 10 guys who each picked a team name out of a hat. (the Giants and 49ers were excluded because they were too good.)  After each week, the stats were handwritten and posted out in the hallway so everyone could see where they stood.  In the words of one of my floor-mates that year – “Awww stats.”

Thank you NHL 94 and 95 on Sega Genesis.  There was nothing better than being able to play an entire 82 game NHL schedule and have all of your goals and assists kept track of for you.  Especially since having a 100 goal scorer was not unheard of.

Thank you Microleague Baseball for the Apple IIGS in my parent’s basement circa 1986-1987.  This game wasn’t much on actual gameplay, but rather it was all about stats.  You didn’t even have to use a controller.  All you did was press One for a fastball, and Zero to swing the bat.  The computer simulated every play.  The original game contained about 25 old-time great teams including the 1927 Yankees and 1969 Mets.  It had actual player names and their actual stats from the season.  The best part about Microleague Baseball was that you could print out the box score at the end of each game.  With the addition of a “General Managers Disk,” you could create your own teams.  I remember spending hours entering entire teams stats onto that old computer.

That’s why I am such a geek when it comes to Phish.  Why do I need to know that I have seen Chalk Dust Torture the most times (36) of any song played?  Or that I have seen it at 37% of the shows that I have attended?  The answer is that I don’t need to know that, but I want to. 

Why do I need to know that it was 66 shows between seeing the Beatles “A Day in the Life” on 10/17/96 in Penn State until 6/05/2009 at Jones Beach? 

Why not?

Padding The Stats: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Go to a Phish Show

I’ll admit it.  I love stats.  One of my favorite things about this whole blog thing is that I get to see how many people visit my page each day.  Not only that, but it shows me where most of the clicks come from.  After only a few short weeks of life, my page is now searchable on the Interwebs.  I received my first Search Engine hit the other day.  Someone in Singapore entered in his Yahoo! search bar – “I feel feeling.”  I have no idea what the hell they could have been searching for, but it directed them to my first ever post.   

I started thinking about a way to get the most readers with the least amount of work.  That’s kind of how I roll – I like to work smarter, not harder.  And honestly, I’m not very smart.  But today I am a genius.  To steal a line from my other blog inspiration, “that’s right kids”  JUSTIN BIEBER AND SELENA GOMEZ went to a Phish concert last week in Long Beach, California.  And he like, totally Tweeted about it on the Twitter.

BIEBER TWEETS

I can’t wait to see how many hits those two names get me in the next couple of days and weeks.  A bunch of Tweens are going to be searching for more info on their favorite heartthrob, but instead they will get directed here to my blog.  Ha – the joke is on you 13 year old girl from the midwest!  No Justin Bieber content here. 

Alright, maybe just one picture from backstage.

 

OMG – Biebs (That should get me at least 6 clicks from Google) and Selena!!  Also known as Jelena (worst Hollywood couple nickname ever).  According to Hollywood insiders – and a bunch of dirty hippies at the Phish show, they were throwing glowticks during the second set.  Glowsticks wars have been a normal scene at Phish shows for the past 15 years.  When Justin Bieber was only 3 years old, I was at the Great Went listening to Phish play “Harry Hood” in complete darkness while thousands of glowsticks were launched into the air for the first time.  A Glowstick War was born!  It was spontaneous, it was beautiful, it was painful at times – but it was a moment I will never forget.

Thank you Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez for helping me remember my first Phish glowstick war – and more importantly, for padding my stats.

And if you want to see Justin Bieber’s arm throwing glowsticks, watch this Youtube video:

August 8th, 1998 – Phish – Merriweather Post Pavilion – Columbia, MD

I spent a week and half in August of 1998 traveling the east coast in my 1985 Toyota Camry with my college roommate and good friend DanO.  We left New Jersey on the night of August 7th and would be staying the first night in Alexandria, Virginia.  We merged onto the Garden State Parkway just as the sun had set and it had just turned dark.  A beat up car with its windows rolled down passed us just as we entered the highway.  The two long haired guys in the car had big smiles on their faces – and a Phish sticker on the back of the car.  We were more than 200 miles and 4 hours away from where the concert was the next night, and the first car we saw when we got on the highway was going to the same place as we were.

It was dark, and they did not have their headlights on.  I pulled up next to their car and yelled for them to turn them on.  “You going tomorrow night?” I yelled.  They both nodded yes.  “We’ll see you there.”  And we drove off into the night towards an adventure that would feature many more moments of magic like this.

I have zero recollection of what we did the next morning and day leading up to our departure for the venue.   We left for the show at 4:20.  The only reason I know that is because we wrote it down on the back of my setlist pad for the night.  The drive was supposed to take about 45 minutes.  It took us more than three and a half hours.  We sat on the exit ramp in the same spot for almost 2 hours.  It was a party on the highway.  People were out of their cars tailgating, riding skateboards, kicking around hackysacks and having a great time.  The most fun you can have in traffic is on the way to a Phish show.   It started to get a little nerveracking once showtime was approaching.  Luckily we found the Smooth Jazz station on the radio and got to listen to some Sade which helped calm our moods.  Traffic finally started rolling again, but we were still quite a way from the parking lots.  We made a decision that would go on to be a common theme for all of my future concert going excursions.  Get off the highway and take the backroads.

It was 8:00 by the time we finally parked our car.  The ticket time said 7:30.  We quickly walked to the venue and found a spot on the back of the lawn.  Just as we sat down – the house lights went down, and the band came on stage.  The stars were aligned for us on this night.  Even though we didn’t have good seats – the fact that we made it there was all that mattered at that point.  They opened with a song called The Wedge.  The chorus of it appropriately sang – “Take the highway, to the Great Divide.”  We had arrived at the Great Divide.

I don’t think I was able to see the band on stage the entire night.  I watched the show mostly on the monitors above the roof of the pavilion.  The show was extremely well played from start to finish, but the biggest memory from this night was the Encore.  The only time I was able to see the stage was when they started playing Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.  To put it bluntly, the place went fucking crazy.  I jumped so high in the air that for a brief moment I was floating above the entire lawn and caught a glimpse of the stage.

The first night of our tour was a wonderfully stressful but perfect way to start the week ahead.